In a Word– why

I had this moment that I have been having off and on for the last five or six years.  This need to explore and feel and figure stuff out.  I have shrugged off that need, deciding to prioritize other things, thinking that that need would eventually die.

If only.

I exited my 20’s with more grace than I ever expected that I would.  When I came to as a young woman, I was a nervous wreck– always afraid what could and would and might happen.  I had wild dreams and no idea how to reach them.  And as I have aged, I have learned that life is actually a bit more dull than I thought it would be.  It is more often than not filled with the monotony of paying bills, not sleeping through alarms, and making grocery lists.

As I have left my 20’s behind me, I have learned to temper the desires of my youth with the reality of being a grown up.  And with that comes a lot of feelings, and a lot of thoughts.  A.  Lot.  It is incredibly easy to brush all of that aside, because I’ve got to get to work, I’ve got to get through work, I’ve got to do laundry, make dinner for the next four nights, and find time to take a shower.  The hard part is to take the time to let everything become still and quiet so that you can process and think through it all.

That’s what I’m doing here.  I’m taking a moment to let my world become still and quiet, so that I can feel again.  So that I can acknowledge the challenges in my life and find a way through them.  So that I can express the gratitude that I feel so often but rarely articulate.

The best part about all of this is that there is no framework for growing up.  That’s what no one tells you.  Just about everything that you will do as an adult is through trial and error.  And sure, you can read all of the self-help books that promise to make your adult life the best that it can be.  And maybe they’ll even work.  But as for me?  I prefer the messiness of mistakes.  I prefer that visceral satisfaction that comes with “I did this, I made this happen,” on my own, without the help of Deepak Chopra or Kristen Bell.

Even though I’m a newly minted 30-year old woman, I’m still waist-deep in the whole growing up deal.  I am still figuring things out on my own.  I am still feeling like whatever age it was when you were first allowed to sit with the grown-ups at Thanksgiving.  And I am totally okay with that.

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