When Fears Become Real Life

Every man and every woman that I have ever encountered has shared one thing in common.  They have all dreaded and feared becoming their mother or father.  It’s laughable- this one common fear that we all seem to share.  Where does it come from?  What does it mean?  Is this how it’s always been?

I don’t know the answers to any of those questions. 

But for me, it has happened.  The thing that I have feared more than anything.  The thing that I have vowed would not happen. 

I have become my mother.

I literally just shuddered as I typed that.

Not to say that that is all bad.  My mother, for all of her literal insanity, is a pretty rad and resilient woman.  Her life has been hard, and she has pulled through and made something kinda beautiful out of it. 

That being said. 

And I don’t mean that I dress like her, or share the same preferences and tastes as she does.  But her anxieties have become my own anxieties.  Her insecurities are mine.  And so much more.

My younger sister teases her unmercifully because our mother is pretty damn sensitive.  Everything hurts her feelings.  When I was younger, I tended to roll my eyes over it all.  And even now, we mess with her by asking what her middle name is (with the correct answer being “not pussy”). 

I never used to be sensitive.  I never used even register the things that people were saying about me or to me.  I spent my adolescence and early adulthood very cold and very distant from everyone.  It seems like one day, all of that changed though.  One day I woke up, and couldn’t stop crying.  Couldn’t stop feeling.  And as someone who has dealt with severe depression their entire life, that is one of the worst things that could have happened to me.

Maybe it is the whole failing at being married to one person for the rest of my life thing that has me questioning my strength and confidence.  Because let me tell you-  anything that encompasses my sense of self worth and self esteem has taken a brutal beating as a result of my divorce.  Maybe it’s the starting every bit of my life over at 30 years old, and realizing just how hard and awful that kind of loneliness is. 

I don’t know.

But what I do know is that now, now I have feelings, and they are constantly hurt.  Now, I get to spend my free time ruminating on why I feel the way that I feel, and what I can do about it.  Now, I get to struggle to find the words to properly convey what is going on in my head and heart. 

It’s the worst.

And it is made all the more worse because as I watch my mother still struggle with how to handle all of these complex emotions, I don’t know how to do it myself.  I don’t know how to process what seems to be a near-constant barrage of pain that is unknowingly and knowingly inflicted on me by the people that I love.  Right now, I am struggling with explaining the ways and reasons that I feel unloved. 

Along with realizing how goddamned sensitive I am to the words and actions of others around me, I am also becoming acutely aware of how needy I am.  I know that I said the sensitive part was the worst, but no- being emotionally needy is worse than anything out there. 

I have never ever in my life needed the validation and encouragement of others in order to move forward.  That is something that I have prided myself on.  And now, all of a sudden, I feel sour because my boyfriend won’t hold my hand or kiss me.  I feel sour because my best friend called someone else her best friend, and that is just unacceptable to me.  I feel sour because my mother won’t answer her phone when I call.  And a whole host of other reasons why my feelings are constantly hurting

How do I fix this?  How do I “grow a pair”?  How do I go back to the way that I once was, where nothing hurt me and I didn’t need anything?

Because, as this continues unabated, the next logical emotional aspect will be that I begin to intensely burrow inwards.  I will do the whole “protect myself and my heart at all costs” thing.  And I don’t know how you go back from that. 

I don’t have any answers for myself right now.  And to be perfectly honest, my soul and heart hurt too much for me to look too deeply for those answers.   All that I know is that at some point, I am going to have to figure out how to handle this new emotional territory in a way that isn’t destructive to my relationships. 

As for right now, I guess that all that I can do is just unclench my jaw, relax my shoulders, and cry it out again.  x

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